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"We have to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends work. But work had to come third."
--Leslie Knope
"You know my code, hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries."
--Leslie Knope
"I need you to text me every 30 seconds to saying that everything is gonna be OK."
--Leslie Knope
"What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me."
--Leslie Knope
"I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things."
--Leslie Knope
"I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was kind of indescribable really. I felt like I was floating. It turns out that there wasn't any marijuana in it, it was just an insanely good brownie."
--Leslie Knope
"No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I'm like a white male U.S. senator."
--Leslie Knope
"If I had to have a stripper's name, it would be 'Equality'."
--Leslie Knope
"I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself."
--Leslie Knope
"I guess some people object to powerful depictions of awesome ladies."
--Leslie Knope
"Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems."
--Andy Dwyer
"Oh, I'm fine, it's just liefe is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired."
--Andy Dwyer
"I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty."
--Andy Dwyer
"I'm not crying, OK? I'm just allergic to jerks!"
--Andy Dwyer
"Butter is my favorite food."
--Andy Dwyer
"I'm allergic to sushi, every time I eat more than 80 sushi I barf."
--Andy Dwyer
"Sometimes when I wipe, I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe... and I'll wipe. A hundred times. Still poop. It's like I'm wiping a marker or something."
--Andy Dwyer
"They don't tell you it's just you on stage when you go solo."
--Andy Dwyer
"I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm doing it really, really well."
--Andy Dwyer
"The show must go wrong. Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it."
--Andy Dwyer
"I don't want to do things. I want to not do things."
--April Ludgate
"My mom is Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colorful."
--April Ludgate
"I guess I kind of hate most things, but I never really seem to hate you."
--April Ludgate
"Tonight we have spaghetti, linguini, fettuccini, ravioli, ragatoni, Ferrari, Lamborghini, bucatini, lasagna."
--April Ludgate
"Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing!"
--April Ludgate
"I'm going to murder you a thousand times."
--April Ludgate
"Time is money. Money is power. Power is pizza. Pizza is knowledge. Let's go."
--April Ludgate
"I wanted to make fun of stupid people while I get drunk -- my two true passions."
--April Ludgate
"I can convince small children that I'm a witch."
--April Ludgate
"We have a new policy, parks can only be reserved for witch covens and slip n' slide competitions. Which one are you?"
--April Ludgate
"I call this turf 'n' turf. It's a 16 ounce T-bone and a 24 ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American."
--Ron Swanson
"I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women, and breakfast food."
--Ron Swanson
"Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets."
--Ron Swanson
"Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something."
--Ron Swanson
"Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait... wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?"
--Ron Swanson
"There's only one thing I hate more than lying -- skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk."
--Ron Swanson
"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."
--Ron Swanson
"When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them."
--Ron Swanson
"When I eat, it is the food that is scared."
--Ron Swanson
"Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are useless."
--Ron Swanson
"I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are... actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't."
--Ben Wyatt
"Hey, Dr. Buttons! I mean, my old calculator... it doesn't have a name."
--Ben Wyatt
"Calc-you-later."
--Ben Wyatt
"Bababooey."
--(Drunk) Ben Wyatt
"They would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts. They're telling human stories in a fantasy world."
--Ben Wyatt
"I know your female friends are very important to you, but I'm always a good sounding board. I can talk about... Sandra Bullock's skirt length."
--Ben Wyatt
"Wow. My Brita filter is older than their relationship. Wait a second, should I change my Brita filer?!"
--Ben Wyatt
"I'm not afraid of the cops. I have no reason to be. I never break any laws. Ever... because I'm deathly afraid of the cops."
--Ben Wyatt
"Ron and Leslie have been at each other's throats for months, and it's bumming me out. They're like the Trade Federation versus the Gungans... in Star Wars. Ugh, the worst. God, now I'm bummed out about the prequels, too."
--Ben Wyatt
"I have been kinda tense lately. Just thinking about the new Star Wars sequel..."
--Ben Wyatt
"Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin name of any of our plants, I just give her names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great."
--Tom Haverford
"How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what's this in my shoes? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet."
--Tom Haverford
"At the risk of bragging, one of the tings I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me. Smiling and taking partial credit."
--Tom Haverford
"Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both."
--Tom Haverford
"Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot."
--Tom Haverford
"I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's husband and his friends."
--Tom Haverford
"She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage."
--Tom Haverford
"Most people would say 'the deets,' but I say 'the tails.' Just another example of innovation."
--Tom Haverford
"You can't say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake. That's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal."
--Tom Haverford
"Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' or 'Adam Sandlers.' Air conditioners are 'cool blazterz.' I call cakes 'big ol' cookies.' I call noodles 'long-ass rice.' Fried chicken is 'fry-fry chicky-chick.' Chicken parm is 'chicky-chiky-parm-parm.' Chicken cacciatore? 'Chicky-cach.' I call eggs 'pre-birds, or 'future birds.' Root beer is 'super water. Tortillas are 'bean blankets.' And I call forks 'food rakes.'"
--Tom Haverford
"Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. Grammy Meagle taught me that. She died at the age of 84... sandwiched by two thirty year olds."
--Donna Meagle
"Stay away from wine. Wine is crying juice."
--Donna Meagle
"Treat yo'self."
--Donna Meagle
"I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message: You used to be a man. You need to get your house in order. Look, I love you like a brother, but right now, I hate you, like my actual brother, Levondrious. Who I hate!"
--Donna Meagle
"I will wear that red thing when you deserve to see me in that red thing."
--Donna Meagle
"Oh, snap! I just filled it our for fun. Chris and I are 18% compatible. You wanna make a baby, Traeger? Your hair, my everything else. That kid would be unstoppable."
--Donna Meagle
"If you don't like how I live tweet, don't follow me."
--Donna Meagle
"Speak for yourself. Before I die, I'm freezing my head like Ted Williams. Wait a thousand years, thaw it out, slap it on a robot, keep on balling."
--Donna Meagle
"Basically, Tommy, when it comes to matters of the heart, I say: Treat Yo'self."
--Donna Meagle
"That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell? Form the movie, Nell?"
--Donna Meagle
"Okay, but we should talk soon because I almost bout a toe ring the other day."
--Ann Perkins
"I told him 'One Headlight' by the Wallflowers isn't dancing material and he told me, 'not with that attitude!'"
--Ann Perkins
"Right now my gut is telling me we're going to listen to Mariah Carey the whole way home."
--Ann Perkins
"For date of birth, you wrote 'spring time.'"
--Ann Perkins
"Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!"
--Ann Perkins
"It's really hard to say 'congrats' without sounding sarcastic."
--Ann Perkins
"I bought this Mackerel at the supermarket. I've been standing in the water with the fish on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode of I Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But it feels pretty good to have a bunch of little boys be super into me... that came out wrong."
--Ann Perkins
"I just started dating Chris, and I don't know how, but Andy is going to screw it up. Andy screws everything up. When we were dating, I bought him a fish, and I don't want to get into it, but somehow, that fish ended up dead in a cowboy boot."
--Ann Perkins
"Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are just beefy. They're husky, big-boned, chunk monsters."
--Ann Perkins
"Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't have to work! Hey, slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens... pump your own stomachs this year!"
--Ann Perkins
"Your inbox is literally filled with penises."
--Chris Traeger
"I can literally make anything sound positive."
--Chris Traeger
"If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair."
--Chris Traeger
"I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I'm going to do."
--Chris Traeger
"I could literally faint if I didn't have impeccable blood pressure."
--Chris Traeger
"Isn't language fun? It's like racquetball for your mouth!"
--Chris Trager
"My body is finely tuned like a microchip. And the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system."
--Chris Traeger
"Happy Valentine's Day, Pawnee. For me, it is not happy. But don't let my sadness diminish your night. Anyway, life is fleeting."
--Chris Traeger
"If I had to have anybody tell me that I had cancer... I would want it to be me."
--Chris Traeger
"I'm not lonely. I have me."
--Chris Traeger
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"You know my code, hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries."
--Leslie Knope
"I need you to text me every 30 seconds to saying that everything is gonna be OK."
--Leslie Knope
"What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me."
--Leslie Knope
"I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things."
--Leslie Knope
"I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was kind of indescribable really. I felt like I was floating. It turns out that there wasn't any marijuana in it, it was just an insanely good brownie."
--Leslie Knope
"No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I'm like a white male U.S. senator."
--Leslie Knope
"If I had to have a stripper's name, it would be 'Equality'."
--Leslie Knope
"I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself."
--Leslie Knope
"I guess some people object to powerful depictions of awesome ladies."
--Leslie Knope
"Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems."
--Andy Dwyer
"Oh, I'm fine, it's just liefe is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired."
--Andy Dwyer
"I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty."
--Andy Dwyer
"I'm not crying, OK? I'm just allergic to jerks!"
--Andy Dwyer
"Butter is my favorite food."
--Andy Dwyer
"I'm allergic to sushi, every time I eat more than 80 sushi I barf."
--Andy Dwyer
"Sometimes when I wipe, I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe... and I'll wipe. A hundred times. Still poop. It's like I'm wiping a marker or something."
--Andy Dwyer
"They don't tell you it's just you on stage when you go solo."
--Andy Dwyer
"I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm doing it really, really well."
--Andy Dwyer
"The show must go wrong. Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it."
--Andy Dwyer
"I don't want to do things. I want to not do things."
--April Ludgate
"My mom is Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colorful."
--April Ludgate
"I guess I kind of hate most things, but I never really seem to hate you."
--April Ludgate
"Tonight we have spaghetti, linguini, fettuccini, ravioli, ragatoni, Ferrari, Lamborghini, bucatini, lasagna."
--April Ludgate
"Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing!"
--April Ludgate
"I'm going to murder you a thousand times."
--April Ludgate
"Time is money. Money is power. Power is pizza. Pizza is knowledge. Let's go."
--April Ludgate
"I wanted to make fun of stupid people while I get drunk -- my two true passions."
--April Ludgate
"I can convince small children that I'm a witch."
--April Ludgate
"We have a new policy, parks can only be reserved for witch covens and slip n' slide competitions. Which one are you?"
--April Ludgate
"I call this turf 'n' turf. It's a 16 ounce T-bone and a 24 ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American."
--Ron Swanson
"I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women, and breakfast food."
--Ron Swanson
"Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets."
--Ron Swanson
"Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something."
--Ron Swanson
"Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait... wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?"
--Ron Swanson
"There's only one thing I hate more than lying -- skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk."
--Ron Swanson
"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."
--Ron Swanson
"When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them."
--Ron Swanson
"When I eat, it is the food that is scared."
--Ron Swanson
"Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are useless."
--Ron Swanson
"I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are... actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't."
--Ben Wyatt
"Hey, Dr. Buttons! I mean, my old calculator... it doesn't have a name."
--Ben Wyatt
"Calc-you-later."
--Ben Wyatt
"Bababooey."
--(Drunk) Ben Wyatt
"They would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts. They're telling human stories in a fantasy world."
--Ben Wyatt
"I know your female friends are very important to you, but I'm always a good sounding board. I can talk about... Sandra Bullock's skirt length."
--Ben Wyatt
"Wow. My Brita filter is older than their relationship. Wait a second, should I change my Brita filer?!"
--Ben Wyatt
"I'm not afraid of the cops. I have no reason to be. I never break any laws. Ever... because I'm deathly afraid of the cops."
--Ben Wyatt
"Ron and Leslie have been at each other's throats for months, and it's bumming me out. They're like the Trade Federation versus the Gungans... in Star Wars. Ugh, the worst. God, now I'm bummed out about the prequels, too."
--Ben Wyatt
"I have been kinda tense lately. Just thinking about the new Star Wars sequel..."
--Ben Wyatt
"Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin name of any of our plants, I just give her names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great."
--Tom Haverford
"How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what's this in my shoes? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet."
--Tom Haverford
"At the risk of bragging, one of the tings I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me. Smiling and taking partial credit."
--Tom Haverford
"Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both."
--Tom Haverford
"Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot."
--Tom Haverford
"I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's husband and his friends."
--Tom Haverford
"She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage."
--Tom Haverford
"Most people would say 'the deets,' but I say 'the tails.' Just another example of innovation."
--Tom Haverford
"You can't say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake. That's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal."
--Tom Haverford
"Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' or 'Adam Sandlers.' Air conditioners are 'cool blazterz.' I call cakes 'big ol' cookies.' I call noodles 'long-ass rice.' Fried chicken is 'fry-fry chicky-chick.' Chicken parm is 'chicky-chiky-parm-parm.' Chicken cacciatore? 'Chicky-cach.' I call eggs 'pre-birds, or 'future birds.' Root beer is 'super water. Tortillas are 'bean blankets.' And I call forks 'food rakes.'"
--Tom Haverford
"Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. Grammy Meagle taught me that. She died at the age of 84... sandwiched by two thirty year olds."
--Donna Meagle
"Stay away from wine. Wine is crying juice."
--Donna Meagle
"Treat yo'self."
--Donna Meagle
"I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message: You used to be a man. You need to get your house in order. Look, I love you like a brother, but right now, I hate you, like my actual brother, Levondrious. Who I hate!"
--Donna Meagle
"I will wear that red thing when you deserve to see me in that red thing."
--Donna Meagle
"Oh, snap! I just filled it our for fun. Chris and I are 18% compatible. You wanna make a baby, Traeger? Your hair, my everything else. That kid would be unstoppable."
--Donna Meagle
"If you don't like how I live tweet, don't follow me."
--Donna Meagle
"Speak for yourself. Before I die, I'm freezing my head like Ted Williams. Wait a thousand years, thaw it out, slap it on a robot, keep on balling."
--Donna Meagle
"Basically, Tommy, when it comes to matters of the heart, I say: Treat Yo'self."
--Donna Meagle
"That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell? Form the movie, Nell?"
--Donna Meagle
"Okay, but we should talk soon because I almost bout a toe ring the other day."
--Ann Perkins
"I told him 'One Headlight' by the Wallflowers isn't dancing material and he told me, 'not with that attitude!'"
--Ann Perkins
"Right now my gut is telling me we're going to listen to Mariah Carey the whole way home."
--Ann Perkins
"For date of birth, you wrote 'spring time.'"
--Ann Perkins
"Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!"
--Ann Perkins
"It's really hard to say 'congrats' without sounding sarcastic."
--Ann Perkins
"I bought this Mackerel at the supermarket. I've been standing in the water with the fish on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode of I Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But it feels pretty good to have a bunch of little boys be super into me... that came out wrong."
--Ann Perkins
"I just started dating Chris, and I don't know how, but Andy is going to screw it up. Andy screws everything up. When we were dating, I bought him a fish, and I don't want to get into it, but somehow, that fish ended up dead in a cowboy boot."
--Ann Perkins
"Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are just beefy. They're husky, big-boned, chunk monsters."
--Ann Perkins
"Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't have to work! Hey, slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens... pump your own stomachs this year!"
--Ann Perkins
"Your inbox is literally filled with penises."
--Chris Traeger
"I can literally make anything sound positive."
--Chris Traeger
"If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair."
--Chris Traeger
"I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I'm going to do."
--Chris Traeger
"I could literally faint if I didn't have impeccable blood pressure."
--Chris Traeger
"Isn't language fun? It's like racquetball for your mouth!"
--Chris Trager
"My body is finely tuned like a microchip. And the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system."
--Chris Traeger
"Happy Valentine's Day, Pawnee. For me, it is not happy. But don't let my sadness diminish your night. Anyway, life is fleeting."
--Chris Traeger
"If I had to have anybody tell me that I had cancer... I would want it to be me."
--Chris Traeger
"I'm not lonely. I have me."
--Chris Traeger
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